she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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