Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
