I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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