So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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