Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
