Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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