Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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