I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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