somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
