this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
