Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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