we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
