You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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