last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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