i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
pray to the hookup gods
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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