She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
