The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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