I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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