don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
