do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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