I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
