My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
