my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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