My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
