I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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