I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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