I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
