1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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