I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
