Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
