I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I am midnight drunk by noon
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
