last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
