i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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