You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
