I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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