I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
