So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
