I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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