i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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