Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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