I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
