I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My ATM looks so different sober.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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