She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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