shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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