just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
