Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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