What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
