planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
