grandma shit on top of the toilet
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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