dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
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You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
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He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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