oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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