I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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