The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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