i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
