I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
