ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
