Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
