If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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